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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24543532">Chained to The Past (No Matter How Far Forward You Go)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternityPrevails/pseuds/EternityPrevails'>EternityPrevails</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Recovery [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood: Lost Days, Under the Red Hood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Dreams and Nightmares, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Assault</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:26:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,507</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24543532</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternityPrevails/pseuds/EternityPrevails</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jason has a nightmare about one of the times he was raped.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Recovery [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1498418</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Jasons shifted his weight between his legs standing and waiting at the door to the dingy apartment. His mother had recieved a call from the main upstairs askign to see Jason. With his his mother high  off her ass she just blindly agreed and sent Jason upstairs. But Jason knew what was happening. The man upstiars had given Jasons mom drugs two days ago, and he had fed jason yesterday. It was time for Jason to pay for that generosity.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He finally worked up the never to knock on the apartment door. He was scared but teying his best to put on a brave face. He hated this man and he hated that this happened. The only reason he allowed it to keep happening was the fact he knew if his mom wasnt getting drugs from this guy she would be getting them from much more dangerous people. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The door opened quickly amd Jason felt and bravado he had sink as the man stood infront of the door. He was atleast 6'2 and he was terrifying. He looked angry, he was always angry. "Your late" he growled walking back into the apartment and guesturing for Jason tonfollow. Reluctantly he did.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was no hesitation as soon as the door was closed a hand struck Jason knocking him to the wall where he was immediatly pinned by the older man. Jasin felt a tight knot in his throat, he tried to keep his fear masked the man didnt like when he fought and he wanted this to be as painless as possible. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He felt the man runa hand down hais tomach and Jason shivered under his cold hands. The man snickered "enjoying youself?" He asked snidely whispering into Jasons ear. His breath smelled like cigarette smoke and years of bad breath. Jason didnt but he knew responding would result in mor pain. Si he just ttied to focus on other details of the apartment while the man ran his hands over him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The corners of the walls had mildew, the roof had water damage, the ac unit was broken and smelled like burnt rubber while running. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jason gasped as the zipper on his jeans was yanked down and he was flipped to face the wall. He dug his nails intot he wall trying to ignore the pain. Agaisnt his will he felt a few tears running down his cheeks as he tried to ignore the aituation. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He had to do this, he had no other chance. This man was a police officer so going to the poloce was a non-option. He also fed Jason most nights when his mither was too high to provide and the streets didnt have enough food for a the homeless kids in gotham. Plus if he stopped his mother wouldnt be able to get drugs. She couldn't afford them and this man gave them to her for free in exchange for jasons payments. If Jason stopped his mother could easily die from the withdraws and if got drugs else where there was no way to know what they were laved with. Atleast with this arrangement Jason knew she was getting clean drugs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jason bit down hard on his lip as he felt a hand snake across his thigh grabbing him. He was biting so hard he could taste blood. He hated this, this man. One day he would get his revenge but right now he was just 10 and there was nothing he could do but let it happen. He also hated the way his body reacted, it made him feel gross and filthy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He accidentally yelped squeezing his legs together trying to keep himself from collapsing. He dug his nails into the wall harder feeling his nails splinter against the drywall. Hia whole body hurt and fwlt awful, he wanted this to be over.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Come on little boy, make some noise for me" the man whispered kissimg him on the nexk. Jason didnt want to, he kept his mouth shut in disobedience. </em>
</p><p><em>"I SAID, make noise for me!!" The man barked and slammed Jason head into the wall. Jason jsut let out a raspy paingul gasp as the mans other hand tighened its grip. Jason let out a few broken gasps and whimpers wanting this to just be over</em>. </p>
<hr/><p>Jason woke up in pain and terrified, he immediatly reached for the gun under his pillow glaring around the room. After he was sure it was empty he off his hed checking all the doors and alarms in the small apartment. Everythign was still set and locked. He finally allowed himself a second the relax. </p><p>He'd been having nightmares recently. He was in so much pain and he felt filthy. He shivered feeling a phantom hand run across his skin. He felt like he still had blood running down his legs even though he knew he didnt.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jason scrambled out of bed, the feeling on the soft padidng making his mind sink back into the memories. It wasnt until he was on his feet that his entire body surged in pain. He hadnt even noticed it before because of panic. He took several shaky breaths trying to calm himself but he could still feel the phantom hands raking his body. He looked around his room wildly turning on thw lights to make sure nobidy else was there. No man, just him. </p><p>After a few minutes Jason decided to go to the bathroom and sit down in the shower turning the water on as hot as it would go. He didnt try to wash the filthy feeling off of his skin. He knew it wouldnt work, it never worked. It always resulted in him scrubbing till he bled and feeling even worse than before. For now just sitting in the shower helped a bit. </p><p>He covered his face trying to stay quiet as more phantom hands ran over his body. There was no reason for him to be quiet, he was alone in the soundprofoed apartment. Still somewhere in the panicked part of his mind he thought that if he let himself be loud the man would somehow hear and punish him. Instead He whimpered curling into himself. He couldnt do anything else other than cry quietly and let the sensory flashbacks run over his body. He felt so filty. He felt so filthy and worthless. He hated himself for not being able to fight back. Even though it was almost ten year ago he still felt guilty for not being able to fight back.</p><p>He sat in the shower till it ran cold. Cold showers were a trigger since they often didnt have heat at the crime alley apartments. So the second the water began to run cold he finally got out and went to the kitchen pulling a pack of cigarettes out of the counter. He had stopped.  He had stopped almost three years ago, but he still smoked occasionally when he was stressed. It wasa terrible habbit and he knew he shouldnt do it but he needed to calm down. He would rationalize with his nicotine addiction later.</p><p>He tried to ignore the feeling of hands on his body as he lit thw cigarettewith shaky hands and put it between his lips. Hai hands were shaking so bad he almost dropped it twice while trying to lite it. And as soon as he put it between his lips he wished he had dropped kt. The smell of the cigarette did the opposite of what it was suppsed to and instead of calming him down it triggered him more.</p><p>The smell of the mans breath against his neck. The taste of nictonie breath every time he forced Jason to kiss him. The smell of nictonie surrrounding him as the man blew smoke in his face and whispered nasty violent things that he planned to do to jason. </p><p>Jason threw to cigarette into the enpty sink and began to pace the small apartment. he needed to calm down. He needed to breath. He needed to do something in order to take his mind of the awful violating memories. But he couldnt think of anything. Everything led back to that man, back to those apartments, back to the pain and suffering and he couldnt handle it. </p><p>He looked at the cigarette again and something in his mind told him to grab it and pur it out against his wrist. No, he didnt like that thought. He had stopped doing that kind of think a long time ago. Instead he grabbed his phone absolutely desperate for anyone that could break this cycle. But the more he tried to force himswlf to call someone the more his anxiety of being called a cry baby stopped him until he defeatedly put the phone down. </p><p>Eventually he just gave up and let himself sink down to the floor with his back against the wall and cry again. This wasnt a good or healthy way to cope, but none of Jasons coping mechanism had ever been good or healty.</p>
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